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š The Killing Squad
Saturday 11th June 2022
It was an ordinary Saturday morning. Colin still cozily asleep in bed snoring gently. Me up early pulling on sweats and heading down for my first mug
of tea and quiet The blessed stillness filled with movement drenched in shimmering light and the senses of the body and soul, aware of everything in front
of me, around me and within me, all of it a blending and flowing into each other in that indescribable way of distinction within oneness.
A rising and falling symphony of color and sound threaded with birdsong. Just a typical morning over here.
Rousing somewhat into focus I noted a squirrel run by and the thought came āthatās a big oneā. A bit later two more squirrels ran past the far end of
the yard and the thought āhmm! havenāt seen any for a few days except a small youngish one hanging aroundā. Then a very large squirrel dashed by covering
the width and breadth of the yard at high speed and the thought āwow! must be a male — super strong and a super fast runner!ā And a little smile arose!
Thereās something about the masculine, males, testosterone, and their physicality acting out that both amuses me and grieves me to the core of my being.
Itās a good place to be. A vast transformation from earlier years of impotent rage that has flamed through my body, leaving me screaming into the wind in
helpless frustration. And sometimes (too often) erupting all over Colin — nearest and dearest, and safest! Bless him! I felt fierce compassion and
understanding flowing in that little Mona Lisa smile of mine. Beyond powerful in its blessing and healing for me, all of me (masculine and feminine)
and for each one in the field. But back to squirrels ā¦
All quiet outside, I allowed myself to slip away again into that richly ephemeral multidimensional space. Gazing gently into the near distance beyond,
vision softly blurring, light intensifying, me, my body and soul, and the entire landscape buzzing. āThe Shimmeringā I call it. Tenderly held in the unnameable
embrace beautifully alive with the movement of light, love, twirling atoms, dancing photons ā¦ my happy place! Time standing still, speeding up, no longer
relevant and non-existent. Eternal. What the ancient Greeks called Kairos. Slipping into the Quantum Foam — the wild unknown of infinite
possibility — everything, everywhere, all at once. Later I figured that perhaps twenty minutes of clock time/Chronos had elapsed, when a sudden burst
of activity pierced my consciousness. It was coming from within the ancient hemlock right outside my patio door not ten feet from where I sat. Squirrel!
Snapping into linear focus I spotted three up amongst the branches. Large ones ā¦ maybe more. I must have missed them arriving quietly one by one sneaking
around the corner. WTF! And then OMG! as a realization of why they were there flooded my cells. My heart surged silently and adrenaline snapped my body into action!
This ancient twisty hemlock is the one my sons tell me we should cut down. Yet Colin and I continue to resuscitate her year after year. Why? Because
every Spring we have at least one avian family make her their birthing home. Last year it was the robins. Some years itās the cardinals. This year a mourning
dove couple built their nest within her. Well hidden from sight, all had been very quiet until yesterday. It was time to fledge! All morning weād been
delighted with little glimpses of two young ones trying out their wings. Fluttering from branch to branch, Iād followed the movement, hard to see as it was
dark within the greenery. Enjoying their antics as they flexed and strengthened their wings, watched over by the beady eyes of Mama and Papa. Even got a few
photos. It was a beautiful early summer day, breezy with that perfect mix of sun and fluffy white clouds, temps in the 70s. Wanting to be outside Iād moved
my chair way over to the far end of the yard giving the little family plenty of space. Sometime later last evening the parents left, and scanning inside the
hemlock Iād seen the babies still there huddled together on a high branch perfectly still and silent. Exactly as they knew to be. Breathing a blessing upon
them as dusk descended, Iād left trusting all was unfolding perfectly.
This morning Iād wondered momentarily if the little ones were gone or still in the tree. There had been no movement or sound as Iād settled into my corner
chair indoors. Until now! I jumped up slammed open the patio door and shot outside clapping and shooing — not too loudly — I didnāt want to scare
the babies (nor Colin right above me asleep with the windows wide open!). The squirrels began dropping out of the tree — I counted four at first, then
another ā¦ and then another! Fāing A!! Six in all! Large strong ones! OMG! A killing squad! How did I miss them all arriving!? My heart pounding I spun a 360
scanning in every direction. A squirrel darted away around the north corner of the house, disappearing as I moved toward him shooing. As I turned another was
running back towards the tree from the south. He ran as I moved threateningly toward him. Pausing a short way off he spun around and glared at me. A memory
flashed of a twenty-second stare down Iād had years ago in almost the same spot, with a bobcat hunting a neighborās terrified house-cat! I ran at the squirrel
slapping my slippers as loudly as I could, the full length of the yard, till he was out of sight. Back at the hemlock, I crouched down to look beneath the tree
watching the access under the wooden gate to the West. There was another squeezing in under the gap! As I moved towards him, he retreated but remained on the
other side emitting a feral hissing screech, peering at me through the gap! I kicked the gate a couple of times and he skedaddled! I smile now as I write, at
the spectacle of an old lady šµš¾ flopping around after these small yet momentarily bloodthirsty creatures, but I was in no mood for laughter then! I was in
fierce-Mama mode, doing what I knew I had to do to protect the new born babes! I stood still a while longer, listening, then turned to look in every direction,
finally satisfying myself that the mob was really gone!
Thatās when I fell apart. Hanging onto the link fence post I wept and wept and wept some more. The grief, visceral and primal, arising from some dark hidden
abyss where it had remained lovingly buried until I was ready. Todayās tableau of nature perfectly cocreated just for me, with me, by me, unearthing every last
(I trust) fragment calling to be welcomed, seen, loved and re-membered. It does not escape my notice that Mari and I had spoken just sixteen hours earlier of
the things we āhave āshelvedā like museum piecesā (ACOL, D:Day14.7) until we are strong enough to take them down from the shelf, dust them off, face them and
fearlessly feel everything! I sank to the ground in a deep squat, the safest most stable position my body knows, down close with Mother earth, and sobbed my
heart out. Then, as startlingly as it had begun, it was over. An illumination of understanding, allowing, welcoming all of it in deepest gratitude flowed through
me, crown to tail and back around. Like the infinite torus field endlessly cascading down and around expanding, receiving, feeling, cleansing, transmuting and
returning me to the earth, to myself, and to all. The purest loving acceptance of all that is. Exactly as it is, as me! All of it is me. All me. There is no
other. Not any more. And there never was. I sat there a while longer just breathing, resting in union and the ever-changing pulsating relationship with what
was/is in front of me. I sat with the crazy, brutal, purposeful, beauty of death, killing squads, wars, mass shootings, rapes, and abuses of every kind. And I
sat seamlessly with the sweetness of life, baby birds, children, tender mothering, fathering, my precious oh-so-weary body, and all of nature. Feeling all as
infinite distinct expressions of me flowing within Oneness on the planet at this time — the fullness of my whole self, my being, my body. I AM all that
I AM. And so it is.
Standing up and circling the hemlock, I scanned up, down, across and through for the mourning dove babies. It was really hard to see for they are naturally
well camouflaged. Oh joy! There they were, on a branch higher up than Iād imagined, snuggled up to each other, their little eyes following my every movement,
perfectly still and safe ā¦ though perhaps a little traumatized! Once more, a cellular memory flashed through my body. Several memories actually, all kind of
super-imposed on top of each other into one blinding realization how alike we were, those little birds and me. In those countless times over the last seven
decades, when my only perceived recourse in order to survive was freezing my body into stillness, silencing my authentic voice, and stuffing all feeling in
order to endure whatever I was facing. From the most egregious physical cruelty to the subtlest of polite verbal manipulations. Breathing a prayer of gratitude
and dissolving/releasing every speck of what had just happened back into the field, I launched a robust blessing on all parties involved across time and space.
Loveās call and Loveās response complete in every way, I went back indoors and settled into my corner chair. But not before fetching our bright orange electric
leaf blower and placing it as a little warning at the base of the tree! Hah!š
Settling into the stillness, a particular kind-of-familiar yet not-so-present -these-days buzzing began. Quietly at first, as I gazed into the near distance
studiously ignoring it, but growing in volume until with an āOhhh shit! Iām gonna have to write about this! Now! There goes my Saturday!ā With equal parts
exasperation and delight I reached over picked up my iPad and began. Colin came down a few minutes later, bless him. We hugged good morning, I gave him the
headline but was unable to say much more. I just had to write. And heāll just have to read about it later. Soon enough as I was writing, Mama and Papa mourning
doves showed up. I saw one (Papa perhaps) walk up to the hemlock presumably to nudge the fledglings along. The other (Mama perhaps) we heard loud and clear,
calling over and over from within the woods nearby. And I left the little family to it. Undisturbed. Not a squirrel in sight. All is well.
As I conclude this rather long story Iām weaving in the fact that this past week, everything has felt very different to me. Almost like humanity has,
I/we each/we all together have, passed through some kind of one-way wormhole that seals off the way we came right behind us. There is no going back.
Now we live as creator of our own universe, distinct and different within the whole. I am my own universe. And I walk home in parallel hand-in-hand with
you as yours. CoCreating as One. Alone together. Living as love in form is no longer a fair weather friend to be entertained when it feels good. Nor is it
anything to write about or quote from books about. I quit all that back in April. The call to living Love, being Oneness, sustaining Compassionate Christ
Consciousness, simply is. It is as much our essential nature as is breathing. Minding my own business, attending to what is unfolding in front of me, responding
with fierce compassion for all, always ready āto protect the new babe being born so that it doesnāt fall victim to carnage. (Mirari: The Way of the Marys, p13)
In just the last few days, at the end of five months cocooning mostly in solitude and stillness, I find myself playing at expanding as creator-self.
Much like the little birds fluttering, flexing, and strengthening their wings readying to fly! Anna H, Jude J, Paula B, and Mari P perhaps ready to play/fly
with me in this juicy new experiment. It seems that our imaginal cells are coming online, broadcasting this particular frequency of bonkers! Of CoCreating
the New! Literally! In that no-BS both/and way that Iāve forever dreamed of. Both being Indraās Net in non-doing and with effortless boots-on-the-ground
doing/in-forming with confidence and ridiculous ease! Bodhisattvas each and all. Everything is possible. Now it is time to make the possible probable! Alone together.
Sharing my experience and would love to hear yours!
With so much love to each and all šŗ
Christina
šPauseā¤ļøBreathešListen in šFeelšTrust YourSelf šAct
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