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June

💝 The Killing Squad
       Saturday 11th June 2022

It was an ordinary Saturday morning. Colin still cozily asleep in bed snoring gently. Me up early pulling on sweats and heading down for my first mug of tea and quiet The blessed stillness filled with movement drenched in shimmering light and the senses of the body and soul, aware of everything in front of me, around me and within me, all of it a blending and flowing into each other in that indescribable way of distinction within oneness. A rising and falling symphony of color and sound threaded with birdsong. Just a typical morning over here.

Rousing somewhat into focus I noted a squirrel run by and the thought came “that’s a big one”. A bit later two more squirrels ran past the far end of the yard and the thought “hmm! haven’t seen any for a few days except a small youngish one hanging around”. Then a very large squirrel dashed by covering the width and breadth of the yard at high speed and the thought “wow! must be a male — super strong and a super fast runner!” And a little smile arose! There’s something about the masculine, males, testosterone, and their physicality acting out that both amuses me and grieves me to the core of my being. It’s a good place to be. A vast transformation from earlier years of impotent rage that has flamed through my body, leaving me screaming into the wind in helpless frustration. And sometimes (too often) erupting all over Colin — nearest and dearest, and safest! Bless him! I felt fierce compassion and understanding flowing in that little Mona Lisa smile of mine. Beyond powerful in its blessing and healing for me, all of me (masculine and feminine) and for each one in the field. But back to squirrels …

All quiet outside, I allowed myself to slip away again into that richly ephemeral multidimensional space. Gazing gently into the near distance beyond, vision softly blurring, light intensifying, me, my body and soul, and the entire landscape buzzing. ‘The Shimmering’ I call it. Tenderly held in the unnameable embrace beautifully alive with the movement of light, love, twirling atoms, dancing photons … my happy place! Time standing still, speeding up, no longer relevant and non-existent. Eternal. What the ancient Greeks called Kairos. Slipping into the Quantum Foam — the wild unknown of infinite possibility — everything, everywhere, all at once. Later I figured that perhaps twenty minutes of clock time/Chronos had elapsed, when a sudden burst of activity pierced my consciousness. It was coming from within the ancient hemlock right outside my patio door not ten feet from where I sat. Squirrel! Snapping into linear focus I spotted three up amongst the branches. Large ones … maybe more. I must have missed them arriving quietly one by one sneaking around the corner. WTF! And then OMG! as a realization of why they were there flooded my cells. My heart surged silently and adrenaline snapped my body into action!

This ancient twisty hemlock is the one my sons tell me we should cut down. Yet Colin and I continue to resuscitate her year after year. Why? Because every Spring we have at least one avian family make her their birthing home. Last year it was the robins. Some years it’s the cardinals. This year a mourning dove couple built their nest within her. Well hidden from sight, all had been very quiet until yesterday. It was time to fledge! All morning we’d been delighted with little glimpses of two young ones trying out their wings. Fluttering from branch to branch, I’d followed the movement, hard to see as it was dark within the greenery. Enjoying their antics as they flexed and strengthened their wings, watched over by the beady eyes of Mama and Papa. Even got a few photos. It was a beautiful early summer day, breezy with that perfect mix of sun and fluffy white clouds, temps in the 70s. Wanting to be outside I’d moved my chair way over to the far end of the yard giving the little family plenty of space. Sometime later last evening the parents left, and scanning inside the hemlock I’d seen the babies still there huddled together on a high branch perfectly still and silent. Exactly as they knew to be. Breathing a blessing upon them as dusk descended, I’d left trusting all was unfolding perfectly.

This morning I’d wondered momentarily if the little ones were gone or still in the tree. There had been no movement or sound as I’d settled into my corner chair indoors. Until now! I jumped up slammed open the patio door and shot outside clapping and shooing — not too loudly — I didn’t want to scare the babies (nor Colin right above me asleep with the windows wide open!). The squirrels began dropping out of the tree — I counted four at first, then another … and then another! F’ing A!! Six in all! Large strong ones! OMG! A killing squad! How did I miss them all arriving!? My heart pounding I spun a 360 scanning in every direction. A squirrel darted away around the north corner of the house, disappearing as I moved toward him shooing. As I turned another was running back towards the tree from the south. He ran as I moved threateningly toward him. Pausing a short way off he spun around and glared at me. A memory flashed of a twenty-second stare down I’d had years ago in almost the same spot, with a bobcat hunting a neighbor’s terrified house-cat! I ran at the squirrel slapping my slippers as loudly as I could, the full length of the yard, till he was out of sight. Back at the hemlock, I crouched down to look beneath the tree watching the access under the wooden gate to the West. There was another squeezing in under the gap! As I moved towards him, he retreated but remained on the other side emitting a feral hissing screech, peering at me through the gap! I kicked the gate a couple of times and he skedaddled! I smile now as I write, at the spectacle of an old lady 👵🏾 flopping around after these small yet momentarily bloodthirsty creatures, but I was in no mood for laughter then! I was in fierce-Mama mode, doing what I knew I had to do to protect the new born babes! I stood still a while longer, listening, then turned to look in every direction, finally satisfying myself that the mob was really gone!

That’s when I fell apart. Hanging onto the link fence post I wept and wept and wept some more. The grief, visceral and primal, arising from some dark hidden abyss where it had remained lovingly buried until I was ready. Today’s tableau of nature perfectly cocreated just for me, with me, by me, unearthing every last (I trust) fragment calling to be welcomed, seen, loved and re-membered. It does not escape my notice that Mari and I had spoken just sixteen hours earlier of the things we “have ‘shelved’ like museum pieces” (ACOL, D:Day14.7) until we are strong enough to take them down from the shelf, dust them off, face them and fearlessly feel everything! I sank to the ground in a deep squat, the safest most stable position my body knows, down close with Mother earth, and sobbed my heart out. Then, as startlingly as it had begun, it was over. An illumination of understanding, allowing, welcoming all of it in deepest gratitude flowed through me, crown to tail and back around. Like the infinite torus field endlessly cascading down and around expanding, receiving, feeling, cleansing, transmuting and returning me to the earth, to myself, and to all. The purest loving acceptance of all that is. Exactly as it is, as me! All of it is me. All me. There is no other. Not any more. And there never was. I sat there a while longer just breathing, resting in union and the ever-changing pulsating relationship with what was/is in front of me. I sat with the crazy, brutal, purposeful, beauty of death, killing squads, wars, mass shootings, rapes, and abuses of every kind. And I sat seamlessly with the sweetness of life, baby birds, children, tender mothering, fathering, my precious oh-so-weary body, and all of nature. Feeling all as infinite distinct expressions of me flowing within Oneness on the planet at this time — the fullness of my whole self, my being, my body. I AM all that I AM. And so it is.

Standing up and circling the hemlock, I scanned up, down, across and through for the mourning dove babies. It was really hard to see for they are naturally well camouflaged. Oh joy! There they were, on a branch higher up than I’d imagined, snuggled up to each other, their little eyes following my every movement, perfectly still and safe … though perhaps a little traumatized! Once more, a cellular memory flashed through my body. Several memories actually, all kind of super-imposed on top of each other into one blinding realization how alike we were, those little birds and me. In those countless times over the last seven decades, when my only perceived recourse in order to survive was freezing my body into stillness, silencing my authentic voice, and stuffing all feeling in order to endure whatever I was facing. From the most egregious physical cruelty to the subtlest of polite verbal manipulations. Breathing a prayer of gratitude and dissolving/releasing every speck of what had just happened back into the field, I launched a robust blessing on all parties involved across time and space. Love’s call and Love’s response complete in every way, I went back indoors and settled into my corner chair. But not before fetching our bright orange electric leaf blower and placing it as a little warning at the base of the tree! Hah!😃

Settling into the stillness, a particular kind-of-familiar yet not-so-present -these-days buzzing began. Quietly at first, as I gazed into the near distance studiously ignoring it, but growing in volume until with an “Ohhh shit! I’m gonna have to write about this! Now! There goes my Saturday!” With equal parts exasperation and delight I reached over picked up my iPad and began. Colin came down a few minutes later, bless him. We hugged good morning, I gave him the headline but was unable to say much more. I just had to write. And he’ll just have to read about it later. Soon enough as I was writing, Mama and Papa mourning doves showed up. I saw one (Papa perhaps) walk up to the hemlock presumably to nudge the fledglings along. The other (Mama perhaps) we heard loud and clear, calling over and over from within the woods nearby. And I left the little family to it. Undisturbed. Not a squirrel in sight. All is well.

As I conclude this rather long story I’m weaving in the fact that this past week, everything has felt very different to me. Almost like humanity has, I/we each/we all together have, passed through some kind of one-way wormhole that seals off the way we came right behind us. There is no going back. Now we live as creator of our own universe, distinct and different within the whole. I am my own universe. And I walk home in parallel hand-in-hand with you as yours. CoCreating as One. Alone together. Living as love in form is no longer a fair weather friend to be entertained when it feels good. Nor is it anything to write about or quote from books about. I quit all that back in April. The call to living Love, being Oneness, sustaining Compassionate Christ Consciousness, simply is. It is as much our essential nature as is breathing. Minding my own business, attending to what is unfolding in front of me, responding with fierce compassion for all, always ready “to protect the new babe being born so that it doesn’t fall victim to carnage. (Mirari: The Way of the Marys, p13)

In just the last few days, at the end of five months cocooning mostly in solitude and stillness, I find myself playing at expanding as creator-self. Much like the little birds fluttering, flexing, and strengthening their wings readying to fly! Anna H, Jude J, Paula B, and Mari P perhaps ready to play/fly with me in this juicy new experiment. It seems that our imaginal cells are coming online, broadcasting this particular frequency of bonkers! Of CoCreating the New! Literally! In that no-BS both/and way that I’ve forever dreamed of. Both being Indra’s Net in non-doing and with effortless boots-on-the-ground doing/in-forming with confidence and ridiculous ease! Bodhisattvas each and all. Everything is possible. Now it is time to make the possible probable! Alone together.

Sharing my experience and would love to hear yours!
With so much love to each and all 🌺
Christina

💛Pause❤️Breathe💙Listen in 💚Feel💜Trust YourSelf 💖Act

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